Feeling of Guilt...

 So, at what point did we decide, as mostly women, that it's not okay to sit down and do absolutely nothing??  Like watch TV, read a book, do a puzzle, work on a craft or needle work, etc?  I mean, I am sure we have all done these kind of things and hopefully will continue to do so, but at what point do we stop feeling guilty for it?  Maybe I'm all alone in this way of thinking because I have always carried a guilty feeling.  I still do but to a lesser degree.  If I wasn't doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen or grocery shopping or doing something for the kids, husband or house, I felt like a big ole slacker.  I felt like I wasn't a good mom/wife.  I felt like I was just being lazy.  Or I felt like I was perceived as being lazy.  

That's not the case at all.  As women, I believe we are programmed from a young age to be a little Susie Homemaker.  And don't get me wrong, I love being a wife and a mom!  It's taken me basically my whole life to realize that those two things do not define who I am.  Yes, they are a big part of who I am.  I AM a wife.  I AM a mom but I am also Michelle.

Of course when my kids were younger there was more to do than when they were older.  But even when I would spend days driving them places, volunteering at their schools, making lunches, etc, etc, etc, I would feel extremely guilty taking some time out of the day for myself.  To do nothing.  To rest.  To do just the minimum self care.  Now, did I take breaks and whatever?  You bet I did!  But that doesn't mean that I never had guilty feelings about doing so.  I didn't want my kids or my husband or anyone thinking badly of me!  "She's a lazy ass!"  Those words were in my own head.  Those were MY thoughts!  If others thought that, too, well, that is on them.  I have zero control over how or what others think of me.  I am only responsible for my own thoughts and feelings.  A sad reality is it's taken me many, many years to figure that out.

Also, I want to make it perfectly clear that my husband has never made me feel that guilt for just chillin'!  That's totally a "me" thing!!

Fast forward to present.  I am 61 years old and I STILL have feelings of guilt when I am sitting on the couch working on my cross stitch, for example.   Why?  Pffft, beats me.  I guess it goes back to how I am wired.  How I, as well as probably many other women, have been programmed to feel.

It's just me and my husband now.  We have been empty nesters for several years now.  He likes to go, go, go!  Me?  Not so much!  LOL  He always seem to be doing something, whether it's plowing snow from the driveway, splitting wood, something around the house, whatever.  For example, as I type this he is in the basement working on a new wall of shelving we are putting in the family room.  While I sit cross stitching.  :)  (Actually at this moment I am now typing this post...lol) Later he will come upstairs, have lunch or a snack or something and sit around for however long and probably play games on his phone or scroll reels, etc.  And my guess is there will be no feelings of guilt.  And that's ok!  There shouldn't be!  But yet, I could clean out 3 closets, do 6 loads of laundry, grocery shop, plant care, blah, blah, blah but as soon as I sit down my brain says "you're a lazy ass, Michelle!"

Does that feeling ever go away?  

When he went downstairs and I was sitting, doing nothing, working on my cross stitch, I felt this immediate feeling that I needed to get up and get my ass busy!  Guilt because he was being productive and I was not?  That's what prompted this post,  WHY did I feel that way?  It's perfectly okay to do "nothing".  It might not be productive to the house/home/husband but it's productive and quite beneficial for ME!  It's something that makes me happy and takes my mind off the shit going on in the country.  It's self care that I NEED to be the best version of me.  

I am working hard on kicking that feeling of guilt to the curb.  I know that it's never going to completely go away but I can feel it lessening more and more with each passing day.  :)

There's a Hole in My Bucket...

So, let's talk about bucket filling.  But first, what IS bucket filling?  Well, according  to the internet AI definition, "Bucket filling for mental health is a popular metaphor where everyone has an invisible bucket representing their emotional well-being; a full bucket means happiness and security, while an empty bucket signals feeling down."

This term has become my way to gauge how I am feeling with life in general, and the stressors that cold cause my bucket to fill or empty.  (Thanks to my therapist for introducing me to this metaphor!)  At the beginning of 2025, my bucket was hovering at maybe 30%.  Not a constant, but on average.  That's not great when you think about it.  I mean, it's not rock bottom but it can cause it to be hard to cope with life sometimes.   During the year, of course, my bucket has filled way up for various periods of time, but it's also dove to well below 30% on occasion. 

When I feel life struggles creeping up on me, I try (and I don't like to use the word "Try"!  You either do or don't.  Just my opinion!) and think about how full my bucket is at that time.  Sometimes "holy shit, my bucket is draining!" will give me a kick in the butt to look for something that will help to fill it up.  Sometimes I just hang out in my wonderful craft room and create something or just be alone in my head and thoughts and that will do the job but it's not always easy to find something that will work.  Sometimes my bucket can get so low that I just want to be selfish and wallow in my self pity.

This past Wednesday, with my therapist, I talked about where my bucket was at (probably 60%) and that I had some things coming up that would fill it up more.  And by Saturday, it was up there at the 75-80% range.  Yay!  :)

Today, Sunday, after a few of what I call setbacks, I felt my bucket depleting...rapidly!  (It can come on fast, I tell ya!!  Ack!!) It's Christmas!  How can anyone not be happy and joyous this at Christmas!?  Well, it's a lot more common than one would think.  Probably one of the worst times of the year for someone who struggles with depression.  But instead of feeling sorry for myself and letting that bucket empty any further, I called my daughter and that cheered me up.  I made Christmas cookies and banana breads for our small family gathering this week.  

I'm not 100% filled.  I don't think I ever will be, and that's ok!  But I now know how to recognize when it's low and how to work on filling it up.  

I just realized that I might have made all of this sound easy peasy!  But i's NOT!  It's something I have to work on every single day.

BUT, in spite of everything, I have to remember that I still f*cking sparkle...even when I'm coasting on just drops in my bucket.  :)

Words....

What is a Word of the Year?

Well, instead of a "New Year's Resolution", which I don't know about anyone else, but I have never kept one my entire life!  A "word of the year", or "Intention Word", is a word that you will focus on for the entire year.  It will be a word that will spread through your life.  From how you care for yourself to how you prioritize events and even people in your life.  How you feel about yourself or how you act/react to how others feel about you.  It's not a goal it's just how you kind of look at things.   

I wrote down several words, each one contemplating if it should be my word of the year.  Some of the words I came up with were:

• Be
• Peace
• Joy
• Love
• Wellness
• Balance

All of those words spoke to me in one way or another but the word I decided on was "Worthy".  Why?  Because for many reasons I felt I was not worthy.  I was in a place in my head where I felt like I was not worthy of anything.  Not of love, joy, wellness, forgiveness or any of the other words I listed any many other words I didn't.

But I am.  And I started 2025 by telling myself that I am.  Sure I had days when I felt like a 2 pound bag of shit in a 1 pound bag.  In fact, I had many days!  But even when I was feeling depressed, or angry, or hurt or worried, or scared, I always remembered that I AM worthy.  

Feeling worthy isn't about arrogance or being perfect.  I think it means that I know, in my core, that I am lovable, smart, free, valuable....and that I am enough!  I spent a lot of my life feeling like I took up space.  Like I was small and didn't have a voice. I felt like I couldn't ever say no, even when it was what I wanted to say.  I have always been afraid of reaching out and asking for help.  Probably because so many times I was let down when I did ask.  Don't ask, don't get hurt, right? 

This year has been a year of growing for me.  It's not something I come out and openly discuss but I'm also not ashamed to talk about it either.   Lots of things swirl around in this ole head of mine and there were MANY times it was extremely hard to cope in life.  I have worked hard, though.  It's becoming easier to ask others for help. (Though it's still flippin' hard!)  It's actually something I consciously have to make myself do!  The year isn't over yet and I'm still working on me.  But what I have realized through everything is that I AM WORTHY.....

• of love
• of respect
• of dreaming
• of every emotion I feel!
• of forgiveness
• of letting go
• of healing
• and also, that I am even worthy of selfishness!

But....Why?

So, "Because I F*cking Sparkle!" is probably an odd name for a 60 year old woman's blog, huh?  (She says, after contemplating what others might say or how others might perceive her!)  Well, what I started to realize in my 40's, and more so in my 50's and now that I've hit 60....is that I DO sparkle!  (And that I care less and less what other people think of me.  Have you heard of the "I Do Not Care Club"?  Well, I'm a member...lol)

I feel like for many years of my life, my light was dimmed.  I have spend the past couple of years, specifically, working on making my light shine.  I have put myself on the back burner way too often and I felt like I was losing what made me...me.  I let other people, circumstances and the busyness of life in general dictate who I was, how I acted, reacted, felt and shone.  

I have been "looking" for something to do for me, something that I really enjoy doing that is for no one other than myself.  Then I remembered that I like to write.  I have had blogs in the past.  They served their time and purpose and helped me through different "rough" spots in my life.

I want this one to be different.  I feel like I have a lot to say.  Maybe...lol  There is a lot to me and I hope to put some of that on here.  If for no one else than myself.  I mean, who knows if anyone will read my ramblings but if they do, I hope that some of my words and experiences in life can resonate and if only, perhaps, one other person finds some comfort or humor, or can relate in some way, then my goal of this blog will be achieved.  Remember, I said I am an over sharer.  :)

So, I am learning, that we ALL sparkle.  We sparkle when we smile, when we hug, when we communicate, when we speak up protect others.  We sparkle when we share our opinions and our voice because, dammit, we are important! 

Not only is it OK to sparkle, it's essential!  

My therapist shared this quote with me.  She said when she read it, she thought of me.  I knew then that it was going to be the name of my blog.  I'm not letting my light dim any more.  My "sparkle" will come out literally and figuratively.

Allow Me To Introduce Myself...

Hi! I'm Michelle and welcome to "Because I F*cking Sparkle!"! A space I have created to share my random thoughts and ramblings.

I love all things bling, shiny and sparkly. (Hence, the name of this blog!) Throw in some animal print and, voila, you have me! LOL

I am a 60 year old (very soon to be 61!) wife of almost 40 years. Mom of three adult children, mother-in-law to one and Gamma (my grandma name) to one boy and twin girls.

I was born and raised in Canada and moved to the United States in 1989 living in the Detroit metro area. In 2017, when we bought a cottage in Hubbard Lake and in 2022-23ish, we made the move here full time. It's taken a bit to get used to but I have to say I do love it. Its more relaxing than the busyness found downstate.

So, a few little tidbits about me...other than the basic stuff I shared above:

I am left leaning. I believe in a society where everyone should be able to live/exist equally without fear and discrimination. I believe that everyone should have access to healthcare, I believe in protecting the rights of minorities (LGBTQIA+, immigrants, those with disabilities, WOMEN, etc)

I have no patience for rude people or bullies.

I will stand up for those I love and those who don't have a voice.

I am an empath.

I have had different blogs in the past but 60 is the new me, so new blog it is! LOL

I love all things crafty. Well, pretty much. I'm not into watercolor painting or wood burning or knitting, for example, but that's not to say I never will be! :) Also, I get hyper fixated on a certain craft and then I have to have ALL of the things to make that craft! Next to crafting, shopping for crafting supplies is my favorite hobby!

I LOVE spending time my my grandkids, whenever they have a break in their busy schedules...LOL I'm kidding.....sort of. Now that they are 7 and almost 9, they are busy little buggers!

I like puzzles, board games and some card games (but not euchre!) like cribbage.

I like to cook but I would rather cook for a crowd than just myself and my husband. I also love to bake but I'm one here with a sweet tooth, sooooo, I don't bake often.

So, that's me in a nutshell. I dunno, I'm just an average, everyday, down to earth, easy going gal who likes to write down her thoughts and occasionally (often!) will overshare.